Chocolate Darts

Apparently climbing the 14,192-foot peak of Mt. Shasta isn’t hard enough so rangers are making the trek that much harder by forcing everybody to shit in bags and pack their waste out.
This wouldn’t be so bad, but the wag bags (aka shit bags) they supply you with are no better than shitting in a rubber glove then tossing your crap off of the mountain. In the wag bag, you get a target – yes, you can score points while taking a shit. You shit on the target, fold it up, then put it in a paper bag with cat litter, which then goes into a 99-cent store-type zip lock.
I had to wag bag it once on a recent trip. Thankfully I had a leftover bag from Mt. Whitney. The wags you get on Whitney can handle toxic waste. My friend, Wes, held his shit ‘til after the three-day trip. I’m surprised he didn’t clog the hotel toilet.

My Favorite Pet

I love any animal that looks like it would shred a baby without even thinking twice about it. That’s why I’m a big fan of the aye-aye. I bet if one of these aye-ayes got loose in a daycare, there would be a pile of little kiddy bones and an empty box of graham crackers on the floor – and an aye-aye in the room without any remorse. I love the aye-aye.

Hermaphrodite Sporting Goods

No, really. A friend of mine who works in sports retail told me this weekend that Dick’s Sporting Goods bought Chick’s Sporting Goods. Not sure why every news outlet in the universe didn’t play this one up.

I wonder if the two stores will merge and it named Rupaul's Sporting Goods.

Read the story here.

Big butts and female cocks

I'm always fascinated to go into a Wal Mart in a decent part of town and see the trashiest people in the region. In Brea, Wal Mart was filled with the usual crowd of wife-beater wearing, teeth missin', cut-off wearing honkeys.

There was also the usual share of big asses that turn wide aisles into one-lane, one-way paths for out of control, McDonalds-filled asses.

Which led me to remember the biggest ass I've ever seen. Last year when I went to NBA All-Star Weekend in Las Vegas, I saw an ass that was about 3 feet wide - no joke, no exaggeration.

18-inch-wide cheeks. The only ass on the planet that you would have to worry about shit on your ears if you buried your face into the dark cave.



Also from the NBA All-Star Weekend ghetto files...

A woman that looks like a cock. Cockle-doodle-doooooo!!!!!!

(Notice how the cameraman shit his pants and ran away when the woman cock spotted him.)

My God Is a Funny God

If you don't believe God was just another guy who had a sense of humor, you're wrong. Just take a stroll through Joshua Tree NP and look at the God-created natural wonders.

Old friends and ass bombs

On a recent trip to Washington, I met up with a friend who I haven’t seen in 10 years. Sure, that was pretty exciting, but it was quickly shadowed when I returned to my hotel room and learned one of my male friends was sticking tampons in his ass.

Thankfully this wasn’t taking place in the hotel room. I called my friend, (let’s call him) Jules, because Jules and my friend in Washington were all part of the same posse back in the day and I wanted to reminisce.

Here’s how the phone call went down:

Me: What are you doing?

Jules: I’m sticking tampons in my ass.

Me: WHAT!?

Jules: It’s called an ass bomb. You soak tampons in vodka then stick it in your butt so you get drunker faster, and you can pass a breathalyzer.

Me: Sounds gay.

Jules: I’m documenting it to see if it works. The first one is in and I’m already buzzed.

Me: Still sounds gay. So you have a tail?

Jules: Yup. String’s hanging out.

Me: Didn’t it burn?

Jules: Just a little.

Me: Fuck you. What are you really doing?

Jules: An ASS BOMB! I’m on my second one now.

I denied he was telling the truth so I told him to give the phone to his brother, Salem.

Me: What is your brother doing?

Salem: He’s sticking tampons in his ass to see if he can get drunk.

Me: Is he really drunk?

Salem: Yah. He’s pretty drunk.

Me: How drunk?

Salem: He’s watching Japanese girls in thongs wrestling on YouTube.

Immediately, I believed both of them, but it was hard to wrap around my brain.

Jules blew into the breathalyzer and blew a .012. So apparently if you want to drink and drive, stick vodka-soaked tampons into your ass. The A-bomb is also good for those alcoholic penny pinchers. Just a couple of soaked tampons will get you drunk drunk.

Jules has a high tolerance for alcohol. Usually it would take a couple of bottles of vodka, a snort of coke to get him to the place that two tampons got him to.

Karma of a dream crusher

More than ten years ago, one of my best friends told me he was going to get paid to snowboard around the world. I, the realist, said, “Yah right. You’re just gonna be another trust fund baby and live off of your dad.”

He moved away shortly after he made that statement and I didn’t hear from him until recently. I got to visit him recently during a trip to Washington state. And guess what, 10 years after he made that claim, he gets paid to travel the world and snowboard as one of the best videographers for the largest snowboard company in the world.

In the next month he has shred sessions planned in Norway and Canada.

Never again will I ever doubt anybody’s dreams.